As we approach the end of our pregnancy journey…… my heart is mixed with a range of emotions.
I am anxious and excited. At the same time I feel overwhelmed and a little sad.
I have two voices in my head.
One says, “ YAY! We are ALMOST DONE!”
The other says, “ Wow…….. we are ……. almost.. done.”
It’s strange to feel this way. But I’m assuming it’s normal, right? I mean we both are so ready to take on this new journey in our lives. Maybe I’m not exactly sad that it’s almost over? But I do feel those peaks of emotions taking over me more so now than it has in the last 9 months. Losing our Angel was so tragic for us. Conceiving Yazzie was so needed and God sent in order to heal our hearts. Whether it showed or not, I stayed on my toes about every little thing that rose up in this pregnancy. No matter how good my vitals were, her growth and the progress of the pregnancy….. In the back of my mind I stayed a mess. Cause you just DON’T know. I did do pretty well burying these fears enough so that I can stay positive and uplifted. Now that my relief of these fears is right in front of my face, my emotions are getting the best of me.
Being pregnant has been such an amazing experience. I feel so honored to be able to know what it feels like to carry a life.
“Yazzie, you have been such a blessing to me and your pops. Counting down the seconds till we get to see your sweet little face.”
With only a little under three weeks to go, I think we are officially NESTING.
We?….. yes…. WE.
My husband is naturally a very neat and clean person. So I joke that he’s been nesting early on in our pregnancy. Now that we are coming so close to the end, his cleaning anxieties seem to have grown… and mines have finally arrived.
I finally washed all of Yazzie’s clothes, bibs, blankets and towels. I’ve even had the urge to start organizing her other stuff and setting up her bassinet and car seat. Had a lot of running around to do this week so I’m saving those things for another day. Next on our list of things to do is a deep cleaning on the house.
I’ve finally gotten around to purchasing majority of the birth supplies needed for our home birth. I just have a few more odds and ends things left to complete that list. Nightly perineal massages, various stretches and squats are still in full affect. Along with daily servings of red raspberry leaf tea. Still no walking yet, as I’d like to try and work through May as long as I can. I truly feel like if we start our power walking strolls now, Yazzie will for sure come before her due date.
At this point, I’m still not exactly miserable yet. Sleeping is still the way it’s been this whole time. It’s the getting up to pee now that is kind of annoying. Rolling out of bed takes a lot of energy!!!
Edema. Our whole pregnancy I’ve been so proud to say that I don’t swell or haven’t really swelled up except if I don’t drink enough water. These last few days, my feet and ankles have been on SWOLE! I still think it’s because I wasn’t drinking enough water on those days to urinate the fluids out my body. But this is the first time my husband and I have seen my feet look like Dr. Klumps. My blood pressure is still low and I still don’t have a high salt intake. So I’m hopeful that the swelling isn’t signs of something more severe. I’m increasing my protein intake just in case.
37 weeks….. Yazzie’s movements are pretty big now and she feels pretty chunky. I still love feeling her kicks and rolls. We are so excited to meet her….
I have a friend who is about a month ahead of me in her pregnancy. Well, her water broke early this morning. As I’m writing this, she is literally in between contractions. I am overly excited and anxious for her. Soon she will meet her little princess. Which hits me even harder that, soon I will meet mine too.
This week, the REAL preparations begin. I will begin walking, squatting and lunging, and stretching. Along with these tasks, I will begin the perineal massages. This will be done with a natural essential oil: helichrysum. This oil helps with inflammation and blood circulation. Our midwife advised it and told us that everyone she knows who used this oil for perineal massages have never torn while giving birth. So fingers crossed for me that I will also be a part of that group! We will also have to start getting our birth supplies. Little odds and ends things like alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, extra bed sheets and pillow cases……. a mini water hose and a tub liner. Instead of me packing a hospital bag, we will be packing our home with birth supplies and food for our midwife, her assistant, and our photographer.
It was suggested that I create a birth alter in our home. Put up a bunch of pictures, quotes, and positive affirmations to give me visuals during labor and birth. This idea seemed pretty cool. But my husband and I decided to just make a music playlist. Music has always moved my soul. So I will be putting together a playlist with all the songs that bring me back to a happy place. Yesterday as I showered I listened to a few of the songs I had chosen to go on this play list. I was jamming and singing along. Then it dawned on me that shit’s about to get real, and Yazzie is gonna be here in less than a month. I broke down.
The pain we experienced last year around this time, replaced with this huge haul of happiness and joy this year.
Hi my maw-maw….. it’s your mommy. You have filled my heart with so much love and happiness already. Hearing your heart pound away for the first time let me know you were going to be a strong and special one. You reached every growth spurt and milestone with flying colors. And you’ve managed to do so without causing so much complications to my changing body. You’ve been so good to mommy. I couldn’t ask for more.
We’ve got about 5 weeks to go maw-maw. I know you can make it to the end. We can’t wait to meet you. The world has no idea what greatness is coming. Mommy loves you maw-maw.
My sweet Angel,
I know it seems like we’ve been so caught up with your sister that we’ve probably forgotten all about you. That’s not true at all. You taught me so much strength and calmness. Mommy’s heart still aches for you and for what couldn’t be. I often wonder what you would’ve been like nestled in my womb. To hear your heartbeat, to feel your movements. This just wasn’t the time, my love. I know your soul is with us. And I know you’ve been watching over Yazzie, helping her to grow. We love you. One day I will finally get to hold you.
To my Husband,
Wow. What an experience we’ve had in the last 15 months. Of all the obstacles and struggles we’ve endured together, I’d say the pains and joys we’ve had in the last 15 months have been the biggest hurdles in our whole 14 years of being together. Taking this step to start our own family has taken our love to a level that I didn’t know could exist. We’ve always loved each other hard. Honestly, I didn’t think there could be a love greater than what we already have. Boy was I wrong. Walking this journey with you has clenched my heart in so many good ways. I’ve seen the true formation of you becoming the man I’ve always seen inside.
You’ve been so loving, gentle, patient, and kind. Watching you flourish like this has been so rewarding. I thank God for blessing me with you. And I thank you for allowing me to be your everything. I love you so much.
I think Yazzie checks on me the way I check on her.
If I don’t feel her move as much or strongly, I will rub and shake my belly while talking to her. Same as you would when trying to wake a baby or child. Usually within minutes she will start to roll around or kick. I’ve noticed that lately if I’ve slept in much longer than usual….. she will kick and jump around HARD. Like she’s trying to wake ME up. It’s one of the cutest things to me.
These last couple weeks I’ve been telling people we are 7.5 months….. I double checked the trimester charts online and we are actually one to two weeks shy of being 9 months along. Goodness, to say that out loud is unbelievable. I feel like we just saw her wriggling around on the little tv screen at her 9 weeks ultrasound. And now we are almost 9 months!
She is definitely getting bigger and more solid now. I can actually feel limbs. Kind of a strange feeling but so soothing at the same time.
I’m also starting to get “pregnancy advice” and multiple questions again as I did when I started to show and people started noticing.
A lot of people have told me to take it all with a grain of salt. And I am. I know some of these women can’t help it and actually mean well. The comments that really get under my skin are the negative ones. Misery sure does love company. For some reason, just because some women have horrible experiences they just assume all women feel the same way. Well not this one. Of course some things are uncomfortable. My body is changing, I can’t move the way I used to. Even talking too much or getting too excited in conversation makes me short of breath. Sleeping is a challenge, getting up is a challenge, getting dressed and undressed is a challenge.
But what do I expect from this journey?
I’m growing a WHOLE human being inside of me.
I mean, really, what do you expect it to be like?
I speak to a lot of women who, the first thing they want to point out is the pregnancy nose.
Well damn it: I’M PREGNANT.
How about learning what pregnancy entails and all the different changes that need to take place successfully in order to grow a healthy baby? The amount of blood flow that is circulating in a pregnant woman’s body at the later stages is ridiculously large compared to a woman who isn’t expecting. If all these things are happening on the inside, you don’t think it will show on the outside?
Rant over.
All these changes are for a good reason. And it will be all worth it.
So my husband and I aren’t very “traditional” people when it comes to certain things. We always said we wouldn’t have a typical baby shower……. we’d have a baby PARTY or CELEBRATION. Which would consist of mainly food, liquor, music and good energy. This was the plan all along with Yazzie.
Once I hit 6 months, I became overwhelmed with the thought of hosting this party. When we throw any type of event at our home, it truly is all about hospitality towards our guests. Not to mention, I’m a cook. So most, if not all of our food would be homemade by me. And at this point in the pregnancy I hadn’t planned anything. Not even a date. With roughly 3-3 1/2 more months to go, I just didn’t not want to overdo myself. So we decided to not have this baby party.
The response we got when sharing that news with loved ones was a BABY MIST. Smaller and intimate. So not a “shower” but a “mist”. And not one that we would be left to host.
This past weekend was our baby mist. It was incredible. Super simple and chill. Filled with so much love and high energy. We got to see people we haven’t seen since before we conceived Yazzie. It was just perfect.
And the gifts…. more gifts…. as if we haven’t received enough already.
This moved both me and my husband to tears.
What did we ever do, in our lives, to deserve all this love and goodness?
These individuals have no blood ties to us. Majority of them have only known us for about a year! As they say though, family is not always blood. And loyalty and closeness is not always determined by the length of time you know somebody.
We had an outstanding time and couldn’t ask for more. Nor would we expect less from this group.
Towards the end of the night, I started to notice a slow leaking in which I explained to our midwife that I wasn’t sure if it was urine, or maybe amniotic fluid. Since the fluids were clear, our midwife was concerned that my water could have broken. She ordered for us to go to the hospital to be checked right away. Our midwife called the closest hospital to us, and they recommended for us to go to the bigger hospital in downtown which was better equipped and had a better NICU department.
NICU?
I would’ve never thought our little Yazzie would have to be in the NICU. Our hearts are so set on this home birth and me delivering this chunky full term little girl. Today was just going too smooth. The devil HAD to come out to play at some point.
I’m in labor and delivery. Cold room, curtains and machines everywhere. The nurse finds Yazzie’s heart beat and takes my blood pressure. We are strapped to the bed.
Not a position I wanted to be in. But as our midwife explained, this is for the best so the hospitals can check and test the fluids to make sure my placenta didn’t rupture.
My nurse was pretty pleasant. She was sympathetic. She took whatever information she needed for me, and then proceeded to do this test where she inserts this strip partially inside my lady parts and has me cough hard. This is, I assume, to see and test if whatever fluids that come out are amniotic fluid or not. She seemed pleased that it wasn’t. The strip was practically still dry. She relays the results to the doctor on call. A few minutes later he comes in to do that same test on me as well and to check my cervix. The test was confirmed negative and he mentioned that my cervix was still long and closed.
False alarm. I get to go home!!
PRAISE GOD.
I’m not one who is afraid of hospitals, as I grew up familiar with hospital stays whether it was for myself or family members. But in those moments with the doctor standing at the foot of my hospital bed, that familiarity and comfort vanished. I actually became nervous. To think one would be relieved because THIS is the person who will be “saving our lives” if needed.
No. I was scared. I had a very minimal level of trust for that doctor. This definitely confirmed that we made the right decision to birth naturally at home.
Yazzie, please stay put my little love bug. Give us 4 more weeks.
The countdown is REAL now. Under 8 weeks to go, IF Yazzie sticks to her due date. To think she can be here sooner than that is exciting. But we need her to bake longer…. I tell Yazzie everyday to just give us 6-7 more weeks.
These last couple weeks we’ve been receiving so many gifts for Yazzie. It’s overwhelming to know all the love and support we have.
Originally, I didn’t even want to create a registry.
We have always been the type of people who just did for ourselves.
So with growing our family, our intentions were just that.
With lots of coaxing from many of my long time clients, I finally gave in and created a registry. I was mindful of different budgets and also picked things that I felt were essential and would be useful in the early months. I did place some of the larger items on the registry. Not with any expectations of anyone purchasing them, but rather for our reference as to what we wanted and needed to buy.
To our surprise, we’ve actually gotten offers on a few of the larger, more pricey items! I mean, these are offers from people who are NO WHERE related to us. These are women who I’ve built client/technician relationships with for many years. I have a friend, who started out as a client, recently tell me that I touch peoples lives in so many ways I don’t even realize it.
I never thought of it that way.
I provide my services and throw in that “DALA” touch. Which really is just genuine conversation and compassion for those who I truly connect with.
This journey…. growing our family…. has proven and confirmed so much of God’s work.
To think, neither of us are close to our own families: relationship-wise and physical distance.
God has filled that void with so many incredible people and friendships. It’s mind-boggling.
We are beyond blessed and grateful. Yazzie is so loved already.
I remember a spiritual sister telling me to always refer to my hubby as “my husband”. Even if we weren’t legally married ….yet. She said to speak on it and own it.
Truth be told, everyone knows my hubby as “my hubby”, even though we weren’t actually married. We’ve been together so long. We ARE common law married. We value our relationship the same as any married couple. Well, the ones who are serious about their marriages anyways.
April 2, 2018……. we finally took ourselves to the local courthouse and applied for our marriage license. All that’s left is an official ceremony which, by law, we have to wait three days to have. Then I can proceed with the whole process of legally changing my last name from YANG to ARNOLD on all my important documents and identification.
It still seems a little unreal. Not that I ever doubted that it will happen. But we’ve just been holding each other down for so long without all the legal recognition. I am proud of us though. And I am happy that we waited for what we both felt was the right moment for US. We always aim to make sure everything we do WITH each other and FOR each other, is out of pure and genuine love. This surely was that. No pressures and influences from outsiders or society, except to have it done before our Yazzie arrives. Only because we want her to come in to the world with Mama and Pops united as one already. I just said to him the other day that NOW all three of us will have the same last name on Yazzie’s birth certificate.
Even though we’ve both taken up the roles of a marriage in our relationship for 14 years, taking this final step seems to give us a new sense of responsibility over each other. It’s an amazing feeling. And I can honestly say, I’ve fallen in love with him all over again.
The numbers of weeks to count down are soon going to be in single digits…….
My heart is so happy that we will be meeting Yazzie soon. I can’t wait to cuddle her, smell her, kiss her little face. I actually can’t wait to just be her mom. All the sleepless nights…. the poopie diapers…. bath time. All of it.
I truly embrace this whole experience. On this walk, I’ve had quite a few women question whether I’ve experienced sickness and stretch marks…. and whatever seemed to have made their experiences with pregnancies horrible.
I feel proud to say that, so far, I have NOT experienced anything while being pregnant that would make me feel like I would never do it again. I accept that my hormones and all the chemicals in my body are out of wack. I accept that my movements will slow down, that my body will ache. I accept that, for now I won’t sleep on my stomach. I accept that I have to really watch what I eat. I accept that my belly will stretch so far beyond measure that I won’t be able to see my feet. And those stretch marks that will come from all of that? I accept those too. All of these things come with the process. Women’s bodies can do amazing things. Creating a life isn’t easy. Carrying a life isn’t easy. A lot of women will never get to undergo pregnancy. I am blessed to be one of the many who are able to. Therefore I’m just grateful.
I know I am going to miss being pregnant. Which makes being this close to the end a little bittersweet for me. Watching my body change has been quite a sight. Feeling Yazzie thrive in my belly is one of the most awe-inspiring things I’ve witnessed by far.
To all the women who have had the opportunity to be pregnant, I salute you.
To all the women who plan to carry a life one day, enjoy it. Every little thing about it.
We are getting closer….. and closer to 30 weeks. Which means we are more and more excited and anxious that the time is almost here.
Updates…… this week I’ve taken notice to more visible stretch marks and/or spider veins on my belly. She is definitely stretching mama’s belly alright. The vaseline has been doing me pretty good thus far, but I think I may need to invest in something stronger.
My skin is already sensitive. I have the type of skin where I can just lean against the edge of a table or counter and there will be a pinkish indentation on my skin. If I happen to have an itch and I scratch, the scratch marks will whelp up and the area will be raised for about 10-15 mins. My hubby can smack my bum, and literally his handprint will be there. With the changes caused by pregnancy I feel like my skin has become even more sensitive. Instead of my skin just raising with whelp marks and lines from scratching, excessive rubbing and scratching will cause a rash looking mark.
I feel like the layers of my skin has thinned out and I can easily rub or scratch myself raw!
I’ve finally found a way to position our many pillows to help me sleep better. So I can sleep more hours straight through, and comfortably….. for now. But I’ve been noticing when I do wake up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I’ll have this dull pain shoot up through my right butt cheek. Almost feels like a pinched nerve is causing it. It goes away once I’ve moved around a little. I for sure need to start stretching.
Oh! And a super late update on the daily squatting. Yeah…. that didn’t last long. By the third day, I started feeling Yazzie shift and move whenever I squatted. This concerned me, as I’ve heard that what I do can encourage Yazzie to turn into breeched positions. I asked my crossfit coach, who is a mother herself, if it was wise for me to start squatting again especially since I squat below parallel. She advised me that had I been doing so all the months leading till then and had no discomfort then I can continue. But to start at that time was not a good idea and to just stick to the basics. So I eliminated squatting and decided I’ll just stretch in that position and squat more once I reach the very end and want to try and induce my labor.
Yazzie’s movements can be seen so clearly now. My belly still is somewhat mushy unless she’s pushing her back and butt up against the front of my belly. So when she does move, it looks like soft waves on my belly.
With the count down drawing closer, hubby and I are having more conversations about how we will do things when she arrives, what types of routines we will try to instill in her, and what activities to do with her. It’s so gratifying to have such a supportive spouse in this time.
Dala the Doula 