(52.) LOVE

I love this little girl so much.

They say a Mother knows this “love” from the womb. It’s immediate. And although I did fall in love with Yazzie at birth, what I hold in my heart for her as the days pass is incomparable.

Something about knowing that this tiny human needs us, just makes my love for her grow THAT much stronger. It gives me that sense of responsibility. That sense of protectiveness over her.

Her innocence is so pure.

And her heart…. the way it yearns to be near me at all times. It just fuels my mama instincts.

Though she is no longer inside my belly, she’s attached herself to me on the outside like a limb on a tree.

6 months earth-side, and it’s like she’s been with me all my life. I couldn’t imagine breathing without her.

Man, the closeness between mother and child is ridiculous. You literally feel connected. Your heart even physically aches when they are in distress or hurt. I guess this is how twins feel?

“MawMaw……Mama And Pops love you so much. We promise to always be here to protect you and be here for you.”

(51.) Pumping Mom

I feel like I’ve told this story a million times….

I pump. I am a pumping mom.

Yes, before Yazzie was born me and my husband were sort of indifferent with the idea of breastfeeding. We agreed on breastmilk. But wanted to bottle-feed as soon as possible.

Why?

Well for one, we wanted my husband to be able to help with feedings.

Secondly, I admit… I was a little selfish. Thinking about how I didn’t want her to become too “clingy” because I felt I wanted to be able to return to normal life without the having to wean her off the boobs.

And lastly, my husband and I were just a little weirded out about the idea of our toddler popping out my boob on site at any given time.

I know, that may have not been OUR reality. But we’ve seen it so much…. and heard so many stories that we just wanted to avoid it altogether.

As our due date approached our midwife, who completely supported whatever we chose to do, informed us about the importance of latching Yazzie in the early weeks and she strongly recommended for us to at least nurse for a month or so to establish a milk supply before pumping and bottle feeding. And we opened our minds and agreed.

We actually had our hearts set on having her crawl to my breast for her first latch. It didn’t really happen that way, of course. She was just brought to my breast as I was being sutured up.

You would think that putting a baby on your breast would be the most natural and easy thing to do. Not so much. Natural, yes. Easy, far from it.

Yazzie latched enough to get the colostrum she needed. She had no problems giving us her first poop of meconium and wet diapers. But we struggled. Some sessions we got it okay, other sessions we just fought each other.

I didn’t even stop to think that this was something BOTH of us had to learn. I just became frustrated and overwhelmed.

By day 3, we had to take Yazzie to have her newborn visit. Here we spent hours in a cold lobby with me holding our 3 day old baby in my arms under a blanket. I am still short of breath, and feel like my insides are loose. Not to mention my lady parts are tender and sore. My breasts are engorged because on this day my milk finally comes in. And still, we are in this freezing room with other patients waiting to be seen.

By the time the pediatrician gets to us, we had to have missed one feeding already, and were overlapping in to the next. I had not been prepared to nurse in public.

Honestly I wanted to avoid it because Yazzie and I still struggled and I was too embarrassed to nurse in public because of that. I felt like I am a mother and I should just know how to.

And well, I was a mother who did NOT have that figured out.

At the appointment the pediatrician had concerns about jaundice and that Yazzie wasn’t pooping enough. (At 3 days old? I know...) so she recommended supplementing with formula. She gave us two cans and told us to take Yazzie outside in the mornings for a few minutes a day to help with the jaundice. We were there so long and I just felt horrible about Yazzie not being able to nurse and I dreaded trying to feed her because she would just become frustrated. So we gave her, her first bottle with formula. She slept like a little angle from that two ounces. So for days we mostly gave her formula. From that moment, it was a done deal. Yazzie had a preference and it was NOT the breast.

Within that week my husband finally got me a manual pump. But to find that balance between tending to Yazzie every two hours, remembering to nourish my body properly, healing from stitches and hemorrhoids and sleep deprivation was challenging….. I just couldn’t find the time or energy to pump and maintain or even establish any kind of supply.

Since then, my supply has just been low. Really really low. I am determined to continue pumping, even if I am only able to give Yazzie 1-2 ounces of breastmilk a day.

I’ve been so fortunate to have amazing friends in my corner through this whole motherhood experience. A family friend went and bought me a double electric pump to help make my life easier. And soon after, my insurance finally came through and delivered the free breast pump I inquired about before even giving birth. Three pumping tools on my belt… I have no excuse.

Let the relactating journey begin!!!

(50.) REFLECTIONS

We are approaching the end of this “fourth trimester” and I can proudly say………

WE SURVIVED!!!!!!

Everyone says you are NEVER ready to become parents… no matter how much you try to plan and prepare…. parenting comes with no manual. You really just wing it.

My friend said to me once that we can plan all we want, things are gonna take place how they are meant to. It’s so true.

From when we were pregnant with our Angel, I tried my hardest to plan everything. I kept a mental checklist of things that needed to be done. I did everything you can think of, and the inevitable still took place. Our pregnancy with Yazzie, I eased up a lot. I waited for the pregnancy to actually be viable and “safe” enough to really start planning. And even with the few things we thought we had in order for our birth, things still took a turn. The playlist we put together to listen to during labor was OUT the window. My hypnobirthing techniques I studied and practiced were no where to be found. We didn’t even make it into the birthing pool! The only thing that stuck was that we had a successful home birth.

I’ve had my fair share of helping to raise and care for babies. I became an Auntie by age 10. Even though my siblings blessed me with 12 nieces and nephews, no amount of babysitting could prepare me for what REALLY took place as a parent behind “closed doors”. I’d say though, we are doing a pretty damn good job. All we can do is love on her with all we have and provide the best life we can for her.

Looking back on this journey leading up to now…… I enjoyed every last minute. Even the moments of terror and heartache. If it wasn’t for those moments, I wouldn’t know how to appreciate where I’m at now.

Our Rainbow baby is 3 months ….. goodness…. time just does not slow down…. she’s been such a delight.

All the sleepless nights, the inconsolable crying…… gets overwhelming.

Then we see this tiny face light up at the sound of our voices saying “HIIIIII MY MAW MAW!…. HI MY SWEETFAAAACE…!!” And “WHAT’S HAPPENIN MAMA?!!”…… and all those frustrations disappear.

“Thank you for choosing US to be your parents MawMaw. Mama and Pops love you so much!”

(49.) Dear Daughter

Dear daughter,

First off, I want to tell you…….

You are perfect.……..

and …..

….I’m sorry.

Sorry for anything you’ve inherited from either your pops or me, that will bring you unwanted attention. In your eyes you may feel less than beautiful…. and there will be people who will want to magnify what you feel insecure about. Don’t let them. Because you are perfect.

One day…. you are gonna sprout and you will go through many changes.

You’re gonna learn to do many things. And as you learn and succeed…. you will also learn and fail.

I want you to know that in all your endeavors, big and small: I AM HERE.

You’ve just started to notice your little hands. Soon you’ll be taking your first steps. And although it seems like I have a while before that happens…. I can’t help but think about how soon you will become a little woman. You will have your first period, your body will change. You’ll have these “feelings” that you can’t control, you can’t explain. You’ll have your first crush, and unfortunately you will have your first heartbreak.

You’re gonna make friends and lose friends. There are times you will feel alone or like no one gets you…

I want you to know: I GET YOU.

There’s going to be a moment where you won’t want to be cuddled by us anymore. Or you won’t want to tell us how your day went. And it’s okay.

When you’re out of your funk and ready for that hug: I WILL BE RIGHT HERE.

And then you will become a GROWN woman. And you will fall in love. Your heart will feel so full and heavy, nothing else in the world will matter. You will become a wife, a life partner…… you will become a mother.

You will then look at your children in awe and your heart will ache for them too that they will endure all that life has to throw at them.

It’s gonna get hard MawMaw. Some times life will seem impossible.

People can be cruel. Not everyone will like you. Hell, you won’t like everyone either. You’ll learn that it’s fine to be alone sometimes. Actually it’s needed and a lot of times it’s mandatory.

So when you need to be alone to detox from the world…… do it.

Before you are old enough to get your first boo boo..…..

I want to be the first one to tell you…..

YOU ARE PERFECT..… and I’M SORRY.

Love you always,

Mama

(48.) Post Baby Body

Well…. let’s be honest here….. I wasn’t exactly at my best physically going in to our pregnancy with Yazzie.

(This was the day before we tested positive with Yazzie)

All my life I’ve always been on the “chubbier….. thicker….” side. I loved fast food, and the only real form of activity I had more regularly was dancing in the clubs. I dabbled here and there in fitness throughout my teenaged years… but as most women do….. I just yo-yo’d with diets/exercise….. I could never stay committed enough to really see results.

This behavior also carried on into my adult years. Again, it’s like a constant back and forth …. like I was playing ping pong with my weight.

It wasn’t until my late twenties that I finally found something I truly fell in love with: Crossfit.

(Some progress photos of my crossfit journey)

This sport not only helped me shed weight. It strengthened my body and taught me discipline and mental toughness.

I went in to this pregnancy definitely overweight and not at my best. I was recovering from an injury outside of crossfit that forced me to stay home. And when I finally returned to crossfit after a grueling 5 months, I had put on about 15 lbs.

Maybe two months after returning to crossfit, we fell pregnant with our Angel. Even though I ate clean with that pregnancy, my hormones were making my body put on weight.

When we became pregnant with Yazzie I hadn’t gotten a chance to drop any weight so I weighed a whopping 162lbs.

At first I was adamant on not putting on so much weight. I originally told myself I would try to stay under 175-180lbs. I did pretty well. My weight fluctuated, but I didn’t really gain as much as some women do. Everytime I mentioned staying under a certain number, my husband would get on me and remind me that it’s okay, I’m growing a whole human being.

By the end of our pregnancy I weighed 182lbs: all belly.

(Last photo I took of myself in our pregnancy)

This week, at two months postpartum I am ten lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight. I surely wasn’t expecting that. I haven’t done much as far as exercise. And God knows I sure haven’t been eating as well as I should.

After giving birth your body feels mushy. I thought my belly “hung” before……. I actually appreciate my semi-tight but not so tight belly before pregnancy now….. it’s not too bad though.

These changes make me proud. This body did an amazing thing. So the stretch marks, the mushiness, the flubber…. I embrace it all. My body tells my story.

And besides, I can always start over on my fitness. I look forward to it.

(Two weeks postpartum)

(6.5. Weeks postpartum)

(9 weeks postpartum)

(47.) A WHOLE BABY!!

Yazzie will be 2 months in a few days. Time is zooming away as our little MawMaw is changing everyday.

In this last month it’s like she’s doubled her size from birth. These last couple days she’s feeling so solid and hefty. With every nap she takes, she wakes up with an even more alert observation and happy spirit. She coos and screams. She silently laughs at us. She recognizes our faces. She knows my voice…. I can be out of sight and if she hears my voice she just beams in ecstasy. This little stinker has us WRAPPED.

She has such a grown personality already. From when she was 6 Weeks till now, she’s done this thing where she whines and drags her whine throughout her entire breath when she’s trying to fall asleep. When I bounce her in my arms, she’ll whine “Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhhhhhhh” simultaneously with every bounce, and let her voice drag starting off loud and then trailing off. Like “HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT ALREADY?” She acts like a big kid and sure prefers to sit up like one too!

You would think by now we’d be used to having this tiny human with us. We still look at each other everyday and say “we have A WHOLE BABY now!” lol

I’m so excited to see her reach her next milestones and become more interactive with us. At the same time I just want time to stand still so I can hold her forever without her crying for me to stand up, or wiggling in my arms so that she can bury her face into my biceps and whine herself to sleep.

She’s so smart and surely seems like she’s been here before.

(46.) 7 Weeks Postpartum

 

 

At 7 weeks postpartum I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.... well maybe 85%. My stitches and rear end are healed…… I have more energy….. for the most part I’m able to control my emotions better.

I’d like to say that for I’ve gotten the hang of being a full time mom. It’s definitely gotten easier as far as me feeling helpless and thinking I’m doing something wrong.

To be completely transparent though, I have had those moments of despair where my frustration is so great, and I just need to take a breather. Our midwife tried to prepare us for the growth spurts. But I don’t think anyone could’ve helped us be more ready than what we thought we were. Yazzie just fussed, and fussed, and clung to me, and fussed…. and she seemed to always appear starved as though she hadn’t eaten in days…… some nights it’s been hard to put her down to sleep. This makes the nights even longer, especially when you’ve hardly slept.

There was one night I was just over it. I did everything: fed her, burped her, changed her, rocked her, walked with her, talked to her……… NOTHING worked. She just cried. I held her….. but I felt emotionally detached for those last 15 minutes before she finally gave up her fight and surrendered to sleep.

I.Felt.Horrible. for feeling this way.

We had a doctors appointment the next day and as soon as we sat in the room, the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” played on their radio.

I bawled.

God is always working. I needed that reminder of how precious this gift is. How much we longed for her existence and how hard we prayed for her little being to be with us earthside.

Motherhood is hard. Motherhood can be ugly too. But it’s so fulfilling.

It’s only 7 weeks…… boy what a ride I’m in for.

(45.) The Fourth Trimester

 

Yazzie is officially one month. Man how time flies.

 

We are in the FOURTH trimester. Never heard of it till now. This is months 0-3 after baby is born. Mama’s body is regulating and baby is developing more and learning life outside the womb.

This part of the journey is rough. You’re healing in all aspects. You’re learning how to “do life” caring for this fragile human being who is still fighting for her own survival. You’re sleep deprived. Your nerves are bad. It’s a whole nutcase.

The first week!….. oh man the first week….. women have such a huge list of responsibilities when it comes to this stuff. I still have a hard time understanding how women are expected to spend the first few days caring for her own body and bonding and caring for a newborn freely. There’s so many do’s and don’ts depending on how your delivery went. In our case, neither of us had the time to even breathe in the fact that there was now this little human in the house. After laboring for two days and not getting adequate sleep through that, we jumped right into parenthood and those infamous sleepless nights. Talk about zombie mode!

With my stitches I was instructed to not sit in anything soft, don’t spread my legs, basically just lay in bed. But with tending to a newborn that was very hard to keep at. Within the first 10 days after having Yazzie, I also got hemorrhoids. FML, right? I’m just ALL screwed up! I have to sit on firm surfaces for my stitches, but I have to sit on soft surfaces for my hemorrhoids….. WHAT am I supposed to tend to?!!!

My husband helped how he could but he already had a lot on his plate with house chores and errands, making sure I eat and use the bathroom safely, and then still working on top of all that. As I may have mentioned previously, we don’t have family nearby. And although we have amazing friends and extended family here, we surely didn’t want to be a burden to any of them.

Our bodies go through such a traumatic event and changes so much after birth. For the first week I had slight shortness of breath and spoke in whispers in between heaves. My mobility felt shot and sluggish. By week two, I got used to the sleep deprivation. Both my husband and I were catching our groove with everything. I was able to move around better but was still instructed to take it easy, as my bleeding which had ceased by days 3-4 came back, but heavier.

And the hormones……. goodness gracious…. these hormones….

I think I’m more emotional postpartum than I was during our pregnancy. By the 10th day I had at least 5 emotional breakdowns. These extra feelings are no joke. There was one day I was singing “Unchained Melody” to Yazzie….. I thought about our Angel, and the lyrics: “Oh, my love…..my darling…….I’ve hungered for your touch….” just filled my heart with so much sadness for the loss of our Angel and how much we longed for Yazzie.  My husband walked into the room to find me bawling while I cradled Yazzie in my arms.    At our first pediatrician appointment we had for Yazzie’s newborn visit, the pediatrician mentioned how she served children for 32 years and I just started crying.  I just felt that passion so deep in my soul!!! Those are just a couple times that I broke down.  I had our midwife encapsulate my placenta into pills to help with the postpartum shenanigans. They have a little bit of an iron-y taste… but I’d say they have helped to level out my hormones.

No one recognizes this part of motherhood. I’ve always just seen mothers pregnant and then have a newborn. No one discusses the “behind the scenes” of postpartum. The only thing people will ask of a new mommy is about her sleep and whether or not she is breastfeeding. The details of the postpartum phase is so intricate. I feel like a lot of women don’t get enough love during this time. When they say “it takes a village….” that doesn’t only apply to raising kids. It also takes a village to help get women back in line with herself after birth.

We are halfway through this fourth trimester. Our little Yazzie is 6 weeks this week.

She’s growing so fast. 9lbs and 3 ounces and almost 22 inches long now. She has almost a “big girl” cry as opposed to that soft little whimper she had at birth. She’s even starting to coo and smile and respond to us more. Our little mama has so much personality already. I forget she’s still practically fresh out the womb.

Slow down Maw-Maw…..you just got here….

(44.) Our Birth Story

June 3, 2018…… it’s around 10 a.m.

We are in the middle of our final nesting moment as we anticipate Yazzie should hopefully arrive some time this week. I mean we ARE 39 weeks going on 40. She’s yet to show any signs of wanting to come out up until this moment.

I take a bathroom break and to my surprise I’ve got a bloody show going on…. I tell my husband that I think it’s gonna happen soon, call my job to let them know maternity leave is in full affect, text our midwife and photographer.

Within the next 1-2 hours I begin to feel cramps. This must be the start of contractions. For the next 6 hours…… I time them. They are inconsistent, coming anywhere between 7 minutes apart to as far as 15 minutes apart and each one lasting about 30-45 seconds. I also start doing various exercises from http://www.milescircuit.com to help get Yazzie down.

While waiting, we get news that our photographer is feeling under the weather. HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT. What I’d hoped to have photos of to look back at, vanished. The safety and well-being of me and Yazzie is priority. But we strategically planned to put a focus on having birth photos rather than maternity and newborn photos. Now, we wouldn’t have any of the three.

But we had a way bigger fish to fry as I was still in this early stage of labor. So we brush it off and continue on.

6pm, our midwife suggests for us to go grab some magnesium and skull cap supplements to help calm my uterus and maybe allow me to rest.

Skull cap? I’ve never even heard of this supplement. This must be some super herb to have a name like that! We run to Whole Foods and I take a dose of each, eagerly waiting for the pains to alleviate.

They don’t. They actually get stronger and closer. Now staying at a regular 6-8 minutes apart and lasting 45-50 seconds each.

It’s about midnight, our midwife comes to check on things. My cervix is thinned out real well, but Yazzie is not engaged enough so I have not dilated enough. Our midwife leaves and tells us to call her if things shift.

4 a.m. we call her back. She comes to check me again, this time staying until about 6 a.m.

Still no “shift”.

Now when I say “shift”….. I mean that our midwife is looking for a shift in my behavior, my tolerance, and my pain locations and levels. She mentioned many times that when a woman is in REAL labor, things switch up. The woman may not be able to focus enough to hold a conversation, may become irritable and irate…. and usually experiences back labor.

Well I didn’t exactly experience those things…. I think because I didn’t exude those acts of rage, our midwife didn’t think we were anywhere near actual labor.

I finally manage to rest for about 3 hours. It’s about noon now on Monday 6/4. My contractions are starting up again. But we are in the mindset that my uterus may just be overactive. So I deal with them how I’ve been. We run a few errands and get home a little before 2 p.m.

At this point I am determined to get Yazzie moving along even more.

I do those exercises from the site again. This time I force myself to do them for the full 90 minutes as recommended and I fight through my contractions even in the middle of the exercises. Next I stay on my birthing ball and bounce and rock my hips while jamming to Lauren Hill radio on my Pandora radio for another 30 minutes. I even get up from time to time to just dance and sing a little. After my rock out session, I power walk around our apartment.

I know, I have yet to mention my husbands whereabouts. He’s around. But honestly, I needed to just focus on my mission and mentally get through these pains alone. So I don’t pester him and demand his attention. I let him handle his normal business around the house. He did awesome balancing between checking in on me frequently and staying at bay to let me figure myself out. He really wasn’t sure what he could do to help me. So he gave me my space but he made sure to stay near.

7 p.m. I am in touch with our midwife again. She is still waiting on this shift. The only progress I could share with her was that now my contractions were way stronger and were 3-5 minutes apart, lasting about a minute and a half each. Still not a lot of back labor. Pressure was felt more in the front area by my pelvis rather than my rectum. She eventually tells me that it sounds like I am in prodrominal labor, Baby may be in a funny position and that’s why I won’t dilate. She suggests a doulas assistance to help us through this time. Which we decided against as we really weren’t prepared for that at this last moment. I manage to look up what prodrominal labor is and all I remember seeing is some chart that indicated that prodrominal labor comes WAY before even early labor and it could last days, even weeks. My heart sank. For a split second I questioned why the hell I was putting myself through this. Then I see the images of our little mama and I let go of those thoughts immediately. I tell our midwife that I’m beginning to feel discouraged and am frustrated cause the pains are so strong and frequent. She tells me she’s on her way and we will see what course if action to take once she gets here.

So what do you know? All that moving around helped!!! By 8 p.m. Monday night, I am finally dilated to 6 cm!!!!! Our midwife gets herself comfortable as she knows THIS IS FINALLY IT!!!! My husband helps get the coffee maker and snacks set up. Our midwife tells me that we are gonna get this going and that she wanted me to MOVE. She has me sway side to side in as wide as a stance as possible, lunging as low as I could go. Then whenever I contracted, I was to squat low and long. She also has me power walking around our apartment. An hour or so passes and I’m so drained from this long laboring… I’m feeling so much pressure down there. And I just finished nearly 4 hours of moving around myself… I was tired!! So my husband asks our midwife if I’m able to rest a little. She says it’s fine and suggests for me to keep a pillow between my legs and lay on my side. I remembered what my sis, Gina, said about keeping the birthing ball in between my legs to help bring baby down. So I did that instead. I had to alternate sides every 15-20 mins. Now I’ve lost track of time. I just know I must’ve looked like I was in a lot of discomfort so our midwife checked me again.

I am 8-9cm dilated now. We’ve gotta turn it up a notch so our midwife has me up on my feet squatting and lunging sideways again. Her partner and their birth assistant shows up. I get an IV placed through my right hand. As I take a break to lay with the birthing ball again, they set up the birthing pool in the dining area while my husband and I are in the bedroom trying to labor Yazzie down more.

If I’ve ever experienced an out of body moment, it would have to be now. My eyes are closed and I feel almost like I’m dreaming and my conscience is the only thing directing my body to respond to anyone.

I remember hearing the pump for the pool turn on like three times. I have a strong urge to push and I’m feeling impatient waiting for this pool cause I feel like if I push, Yazzie will come out. I ask my husband what’s taking them so long and I urge for him to get our midwife. He jumps up off the bed and yells “YOOOO!”… the bedroom door opens, our midwife peeks her head in the doorway, and I tell her I gotta push…. she tells me “ok, push”…

I push and all you hear is a POP and my water breaks…

This release actually was relieving. But only for a few short moments. And then the pain returns. Everything is pretty much a blur now. I am directed to position myself in various positions as I try to push and bare down. From being on all 4’s, to laying on my back with two people pressing down on my legs. We even tried it where someone held a towel/sheet in front of me and pulled while I pulled to help me push Yazzie down properly. Each attempt was close but not quite successful.

Finally our midwife suggested for my husband to sit at the edge of our bed so I can use his legs as support while I squat in between his legs with my back facing him. My body seemed to favor this position. Yazzie was slowly coming down with each push. I originally had my hands placed on my husbands knees as I squatted in front of him. Our midwife said for the last few pushes, to just hang on his knees instead where his knees and legs are supporting me by my underarms. I don’t know what this changed, but that next push I gave brought Yazzie down far enough where I was able to reach down and touch her head. The next contraction, I gave it all I got. Literally. I pushed one whole long breath…. inhaled a quick bit of oxygen and pushed again. In this moment I felt trapped in my own brain with no one around me. I envisioned Yazzie crowning her way out with that first long push, followed by her shoulders. I hear my husband say “OH SHIT! That’s crazy!!!” And our midwife orders for hubby to take off my tank top and bra before she laid Yazzie on my chest, rubbing her back and telling us to talk to her.

Then we hear her sweet, faint little cry. It was soft like a little puppy’s whimper.

They all helped transfer me from the floor by the foot of our bed, onto our bed. I got cleaned and sutured up. Yes, I got second degree tears on my lady parts. They placed Yazzie on my chest to latch and my husband cut her cord.

Just that quick, it was over.

 

And just as fast, our lives began.

Welcome our little Rainbow baby….. we’ve waited so long for this moment……

*Special shout out to our midwife, Gelena from Peaceful Pregnancy Pathways, her partner Sandy with Natural Birthworks, and their awesome birth assistant who shared this moment with us and took some memorable photos after our birth. We wouldn’t have done this any other way.*

(43.) Waiting

39 weeks now. We are just patiently waiting for Yazzie.

I don’t really do well with anticipation. I like to have somewhat of a plan and to “know” what’s gonna happen and when. The agony of this last stretch is creeping up on me.

At this moment, my anxiousness of when my labor will start is greater than my nervousness to labor and deliver.

I actually look forward to our experience with having our home birth. We feel really good about our decision. Praying that things don’t go left and even if I end up laboring long, there aren’t actual complications that may deter me from our original plan. But I do understand, no matter how much you plan….. anything can happen. Whatever comes will come. We know God has us covered through it all.

How do I physically feel at this point?

I’m still not as miserable as some people may have expected. I feel HUGE, of course. But I still sleep in our bed majority of the time. Rolling over to get up from a laying position is still a bit challenging. But I thank God I’m still mobile and that I’m not achey.

I’m even still working. I have shortened my work hours to half days. But I plan to work until my body tells me differently.

My husband just wants me to lay around. Yesterday I lounged on the couch most of the day. Anytime I got up to go use the bathroom or just to sit up, he’d get on me about where I’m going and tell me I don’t need to move around. I’m so glad I’m not ordered to be on bed rest!!!

What’s new with Yazzie?

She’s just so sweet to me…… and her little personality already shows. She seems pretty obedient. We’ve had a few conversations with her asking her to just hold on and wait till June to come. So far she’s cooperating.

I get a little worried on days she doesn’t move much. The other day I could not get her to budge. My husband reassured me that she’s okay and just doesn’t want to be bothered. He’s right every time... cause the following days she will be up and moving the ENTIRE day! I guess a Gemini knows Gemini tendencies….. my husband already knows his daughter.

We are almost done baking. This is surreal.